More like Fifty Shades of Ehh....
First of all, I will blatantly admit that I enjoyed reading Fifty, so much that I read all three books twice through, and I vaguely remember rereading the fist book between the first and second plowing (pun totally intended) through the series. I will also admit that I like Twilight. I think all of the readers that read and enjoyed the books were able to take them as they were, sexual tension, the fucked up relationships, and pour writing.
The first time I read the Fifty series I had not read for pleasure in years. My frenzied reading actually began with the last of the Twilight books, then The Hunger Games, the rest of the Twilight books, and so on. I started with the catchy books. Naturally it lead me to reading Fifty. Given my lack of reading, I did not notice the horrible writing and how the characters were terribly lame. The second time through the series I found myself wanting to rewrite parts of the book. Despite my ridiculous love for these books, because I have a vagina and women apparently eat this shit up, I will be he first to admit that they suck. Innocent girl meets dark bad boy. He hurricanes through her world and makes her fall in love without knowing he has. She lets herself fall because of course she can change him, people change all the time, and her love is so strong. Then he changes. This story has been done a million different ways and always ends the same. James just made it into a raunchy, light mommy porn read. Kudos to her because it was a brilliant move and now she is rich.
Originally, when I heard Fifty was being turned into a movie I thought, "I will believe it when I see it! I am pretty sure they can't show porn in the theaters." Honestly, that fact alone made me want to see the movie...how were they going to fit all the 8===Dirty sex scenes into it and have it be acceptable for the theater. Now I know. What has been seen cannot be unseen. I definitely took a shower when I got home and pondered taking a cheese grater to my eyes.
On to the actual movie...I can't guarantee that this will be spoiler free. And quite frankly, if you have found my blog because it showed up when you searched Fifty, then I am sure you have read the books, know how the story ends, and that you have seen the movie.
First, Johnson (Anastasia) is prettier than I gave her credit for from the previews. Her eyes look kick ass and to me, there was always a lot of stress put into the characters eyes.
Dornan has pretty eyes too...aside from how lazy the left eye looked at times. We are all human, I am sure one of my eyes is lazy. But while they were in his office doing the interview, I noticed it right away and pointed it out to my chick date. She was in turn cracked up, was annoyed I pointed it out, then proceeded to laugh through the movie with me when ever I said, "Lazy Left Eye!" Then he took off his shirt and I noticed that his left nipple was wonky and lazy looking too! Please promise me that you will go back and watch the movie (when it is out for free!) and look at his Lazy Left round body parts. Left me wondering what his left testicle would look like, lazy and wonky like the round eye and round nipple? I think I am on to something.
Elliot, Christian's brother was a big fat let down! He looked gross. I know he is opposite of Christian, but god damn I thought him to be a sex god, a Thor like human. In fact he looks like he could be dancing with Magic Mike. Kate, the slut roommate/friend was much colder in the movie. I liked her in the books, aside from her nosy manners. In the movie she just came off as a whore. Jose was super unattractive. Anastasia's mom was a hot mess and seemed trashy slutty, her dad did not seem quiet and dull like he was supposed to. Taylor was too small.
In general, they were not very believable. There were moments when it seemed like Johnson was the Anastasia from the book, but it faded quickly. Her lip biting was forced and she was damn whiny; I never really got that feeling from Anastasia in the books. She is also too tall. Dornan had Christian moments, but they were inconsistent. If anything, he might have done a better job than she did. In my mind, I read Christian as uber strong, uber confident, sexy, hot, and totally awkward at times without knowing it. He is also too short.
They just seemed to be newbies to the acting game.........and are strangely similar to the Twilight actors. He did grow on me though. And his smirk was pretty darn hawt.
My quotes through the movie:
"Lazy Left Eye!"
"Lazy Lefty!"
"She had it coming."
"She asked for it."
"Tits."
"Nipple."
"I am so fucking uncomfortable."
"This is so uncomfortable."
"I'm putting my hood on to high because it is so uncomfortable."
"Hit the bitch!"
"Thank god the awkward part is over."
"Is it over yet?"
"If I close my eyes, will you tell me when the sex part is over?"
I highly recommend waiting until you can see the movie at home and fast forward through the sex scenes. The only important parts are when you see him hitting her with shit. Frankly they should have shown more of that, less of her nipples and pubic hair. Get the point across better that he likes to smack her ass with shit and contain less lorno; show more parts of their conversations. Parts were also rearranged and left out. I don't want to watch her nipples. I already don't want to stare at my own nipples, why would I want to endure hers? They aren't golden plated or anything. Imply the Kinky Fuckery and don't leave so much of the story out. Duh that the books are kinda porny, doesn't mean the movie has to be.
Final thought: I'd do dirty things with Dornan Fifty, Not like I would do with Book Fifty though. *fanning face*
2.17.2015
2.12.2015
The Shit Hits the... Floor.Wa
Swanky is swanky. But that does not stop people from defiling it. This story can go two ways, but it ends the same. Poop on the floor. I would say that I don't understand how someone can literally miss the toilet, but I have witnessed it first hand.
Back in college I spent an afternoon watching the sharks in the playoffs at a diner downtown. This particular diner shares a bathroom with two other venues. Out in the quiet hallway, while opening the door to the bathroom, a grumpy middle aged woman shoved passed me. Usually I am quite a bitch when it is called for, but I was in a good mood and figured, "Damn she must really need to go." Well she did. While I was politely piddling in the second of the two stalls, I heard an, "Oh Shit!" come from the next stall over. OF COURSE I look over to the floor of her stall; statements like that scream for you to pay attention. Upon shifting my gaze I discovered that the rude, rushing lady had actually shit herself. There was poop on the floor and all over one of her sandals. I finished as quickly as possible, opened my stall door to find that there was now a line of women waiting while the stench of the lady's mishap started clouding the entire tiny bathroom. Karma is a bitch, that is for sure. Maybe had she not shoved past me to steal the first open stall, she would have been able to make it onto the toilet. But who knows, that might have ended with me some how getting pooped on. If anything, I have learned some valuable lessons from this experience. Listen to my body. Be polite. And last, do NOT try to squat hover over the toilet; commit and sit! Lord knows she may have been trying to squat and not let her butt cheeks come in contact with the toilet seat.
So today, when I walked into the restroom at a very swanky gym, I was horrified to see poop on the floor of the stall I usually use, I admit it, I am a creature of habit, I like to use one bathroom stall. It is the farthest from the entrance to the three toilet room. Walking into the bathroom I saw a dark smudge on the tile floor and did not even attempt to walk over and try, I already knew. The memories of the lady shitting the floor flooded my mind. As I took my spot to relieve my itty bitty bladder (increasing your water intake will do that to you), I could see a dollop of runny poop on the floor in the next door stall, surrounded by a smear of poop.
I can't help but wonder who the hell managed to shit the floor. After the memories passed I came to two conclusions.
1) A child. A kid must have been cutting it too close to the wire and in an attempt to get the pants down, a slip up happened. Age unknown. It could be a range of from a potty training child that the mom simply couldn't get the pants down on fast enough. Or a much more independent kid that apparently doesn't have the best awareness of when nature calls they had better answer.
2) One of the crazy ladies that is a workoutaholic did a colon cleanse and simply could not control her sphincter any longer.
I am leaning towards #2. A few years back an older lady that is clearly anorexic, did a colon cleanse and was swimming in the family pool at the same swanky gym. She shit the pool, that in turn had to be cleaned and closed for a week. Based on that evidence, I would definitely say that a full grown woman that makes decisions to consume some form of laxatives then head to the gym was the one that pooped on the floor today.
Back in college I spent an afternoon watching the sharks in the playoffs at a diner downtown. This particular diner shares a bathroom with two other venues. Out in the quiet hallway, while opening the door to the bathroom, a grumpy middle aged woman shoved passed me. Usually I am quite a bitch when it is called for, but I was in a good mood and figured, "Damn she must really need to go." Well she did. While I was politely piddling in the second of the two stalls, I heard an, "Oh Shit!" come from the next stall over. OF COURSE I look over to the floor of her stall; statements like that scream for you to pay attention. Upon shifting my gaze I discovered that the rude, rushing lady had actually shit herself. There was poop on the floor and all over one of her sandals. I finished as quickly as possible, opened my stall door to find that there was now a line of women waiting while the stench of the lady's mishap started clouding the entire tiny bathroom. Karma is a bitch, that is for sure. Maybe had she not shoved past me to steal the first open stall, she would have been able to make it onto the toilet. But who knows, that might have ended with me some how getting pooped on. If anything, I have learned some valuable lessons from this experience. Listen to my body. Be polite. And last, do NOT try to squat hover over the toilet; commit and sit! Lord knows she may have been trying to squat and not let her butt cheeks come in contact with the toilet seat.
So today, when I walked into the restroom at a very swanky gym, I was horrified to see poop on the floor of the stall I usually use, I admit it, I am a creature of habit, I like to use one bathroom stall. It is the farthest from the entrance to the three toilet room. Walking into the bathroom I saw a dark smudge on the tile floor and did not even attempt to walk over and try, I already knew. The memories of the lady shitting the floor flooded my mind. As I took my spot to relieve my itty bitty bladder (increasing your water intake will do that to you), I could see a dollop of runny poop on the floor in the next door stall, surrounded by a smear of poop.
I can't help but wonder who the hell managed to shit the floor. After the memories passed I came to two conclusions.
1) A child. A kid must have been cutting it too close to the wire and in an attempt to get the pants down, a slip up happened. Age unknown. It could be a range of from a potty training child that the mom simply couldn't get the pants down on fast enough. Or a much more independent kid that apparently doesn't have the best awareness of when nature calls they had better answer.
2) One of the crazy ladies that is a workoutaholic did a colon cleanse and simply could not control her sphincter any longer.
I am leaning towards #2. A few years back an older lady that is clearly anorexic, did a colon cleanse and was swimming in the family pool at the same swanky gym. She shit the pool, that in turn had to be cleaned and closed for a week. Based on that evidence, I would definitely say that a full grown woman that makes decisions to consume some form of laxatives then head to the gym was the one that pooped on the floor today.
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